Benjy Brio looked up at the stars. In his nineteen years, he’d never seen so many of them. Probably because of the new moon, and because Danielline insisted they go to the lake tonight, away from the town lights, just the two of them for his last night at home.

Danielline curled up next to him on their scratchy picnic blanket, the skirt of her dress brushing his boyjeans. The weight of her softness pushed into his side and settled there, a perfect fit. His pulse picked up its pace, well on its way to racing, as it always did when she pressed close. She leaned her head on his bicep, her long curly brown locks falling across his shirt and into his face, wafting her powdery scent at him. He blew the strands off his mouth, chuckling a little. Danielline didn’t laugh, just watched him for a second longer than usual. She pulled her hair away from his cheek and snuck in a soft stroke with her plump fingers. That did it.

Rolling to his side, Benjy gazed at her sweet eyes and freckles, much more beautiful than the stars. She searched his face, then tipped her chin toward him, and he found her lips, reveling in their warmth. After long minutes of eager kissing and over-the-clothes touches, Benjy realized his hands were growing insistent. Did he actually pull her sleeves off her shoulders? Her cleavage showed more than he’d seen before. His face got hot. If he kept at it, he might pull her dress all the way off. He really ought to put a halt to it.

But she didn’t seem to be stopping him. If anything, she was more handsy than him, and—oh my, it felt good. But, no—he broke from her and laid flat on the blanket, catching his breath and allowing the night air to cool him off.

She blinked, sitting up slower than before.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

“Don’t be.”

“I’m afraid the devil’s trying to catch me out tonight. Can’t have that, can we? Just give me a sec.”

“Whatever you need.” Her faint smile didn’t quite reach her eyes.

She stroked his thigh, sending tingles up his legs and making his pulse surge. He laughed nervously. “That’s not helping.”

But her hand lingered. He grasped her hand and squeezed it, until his nerves settled, then kissed her fingers. Looking toward her face, shadowed dark by the night, he repeated what he’d been saying for the last year. “I love you so much.”

“Mm,” she uttered, before giving his hand a tight squeeze and letting go. She looked out, past the bushes and trees where they were hidden and stared at the shimmering lake down the hill. She sighed and rubbed her arms. Benjy was nervous too, the idea of going out into the world without her. But Temple guardias didn't get to choose where they were assigned. Mother Prima Cecile, the head priestess of Providence City’s Maestran Temple, had requested him personally after his commander had gone and put in a glowing word about him. He wasn’t sure he’d earned that, but it was a tremendous honor, especially for someone as young as he. Not the kind of honor he could turn down, even if he wanted. Even if it meant leaving the love of his life.

He sat up next to her. “I’m sure the time will speed by.”

Danielline breathed out, lips sinking into a frown.

She hadn’t pulled up her dress yet. From where he sat, at this angle, if he leaned back a tiny bit, he’d be able to peek down the front of her dress and see—he jerked his face toward the lake and leaned forward. Benjy blew out a breath hard and breathed in the cool air. Good. Cold was good.

The worst fight he’d ever had in his life was when that jack, Myrol, made fun of Danielline, suggesting that it must be worth it for Benjy to date someone chubby since he got to handle her fat breasts. Benjy had bloodied Myrol’s nose for poking fun at his love’s expense. But right now, he felt like he should punch his own nose, because he was having very crass thoughts himself. He kept his eyes trained on the lake.

She leaned closer and grazed her fingers against his palm. “Maybe it’s not a sin,” she said.  

Benjy coughed. “What?”

“Making love is a beautiful thing, isn’t it? It’s natural.” She tugged at the loops on his pants.

“Of course, it’s good.” He looked into her round eyes. “After you’re bonded.” He reached for her dress’ sleeve and started to pull it up to her shoulder.

She jerked away. “Don’t.”

“You’ll get cold.”

“It’s not cold out tonight.”

“It’s a little cold.”

“We could be completely naked, and we wouldn’t be cold out tonight.”

The image that popped into his head was detailed. He swallowed and stared at the lake. She was right. It wasn’t cold at all. He pulled his collar away from his neck.

She rested her head on his shoulder. “Just thinking about. I’m eighteen. You’re nineteen. People our age do it all the time, with people they only just met. But if we . . . it would mean so much more. Don’t you think?” She gazed up at the stars, like she was searching for an answer. “We’ve been together for over a year. We love each other. Maybe it would be right to be each other’s first.”

“Danielline—”

“All my friends did it when they were sixteen, most of them not even with a boy they were in love with.”

His back went stiff. “Yeah, that would be . . .” He cleared his throat. “. . . wrong.”

“Not like us.” She took his hand and held it tight. “You’re leaving tomorrow. Probably forever.”

“No, I—”

“I’m tired of being the only one,” she muttered under her breath.

He faced her. “You know how much you mean to me. But we can’t. We’re not bonded.”

Her shoulders fell. “That’s what I love about you so much. You’re the most honorable boy in the world.”

Benjy lifted her chin, to look her in the eye. “But that’s a good thing. Everyone should try to be honorable.”

“I suppose. It’s just . . . I guess I wouldn’t mind, tonight, if maybe you were a little less so?”

She was wearing him down. That and top of her breasts that she hadn’t tucked away yet. And her entrancing smell. And her hair. And the blood pounding through him everywhere. He swallowed.

She scooted closer. “You’re buttoned tight, right?”

Benjy nodded. He’d been buttoned since he was twelve, per the law. It was only two months ago that he’d had his booster. Clean and sterile for another year. The treatment was a pain, literally. His most private region hurt for three days after—oh. Treatment.

“We can’t.” He sat up. “Your…” he lowered his voice, which he recognized was silly since no one was around, but some things you don’t talk about out loud. “Your…you-know-what is closed.”

Benjy couldn’t bring himself to call a girl’s hymen her “gate” like everyone else did. As if it was some building you had to break into. But it would have been even harder to say that her hymen is still intact and would remain so until she went to the clinic and got the treatment to remove it painlessly. The whole topic was making him antsy. “The clinics are closed now, so we can’t,” he stressed, then let out a breath he hadn’t known he’d been holding, which was both disappointing and relieving.

He gave her hand a slow kiss to commiserate with her, but when he looked up, he caught her smile in the dim light. Her chin was lowered, her eye down. Suddenly shy.

“What is it?” he asked.

“I went to the clinic this week. My gate is open.”

He froze. Oh. OH. His eyes dropped to her lap before he quickly schooled himself to stop looking at her there and turned his gaze back to the lake. Danielline did the treatment? But did that mean she was offering…? Tonight? Right now?

She scooted closer to him and kissed him. He was too stunned to reciprocate. Danielline whispered. “I’m ready. I want to do it. Don’t you?”

Benjy let out an incredulous chuckle. Yeah, he wanted. He’d wanted to do it since they started dating. But wanting to do it was not the question at hand. It was a question of whether they should do it, and the answer was certainly no.

But…it was Danielline. She did things to him. His body was one hundred percent ready. She gave him a wavering smile and hopeful eyes, waiting eagerly for him to say yes.

Only it would be so wrong.

But, maybe he could soften the blow. Before saying no, he pulled close to her and gave her another long kiss that rapidly grew heated.  

She pressed her skin right up against his chest and her scent engulfed him. Before he said no, he could at least kiss her neck a little. No sin in that.

Before he said no, he could maybe just this once, slide one of her sleeves lower. After all, come on, seeing her breasts, touching them, wasn’t the same as going all the way.

Before he said …

All thoughts left his mind, his reason shut down, leaving only his body and her body and the two of them together learning the glories of love.

***

The next day at noon, under a bright sun, the town shops were bustling, hovers floating through the sky and people all over the walkstreets heading into downtown shops.

Benjy stood next to the stairs that led down to the burrower, the underground train that would take him to Providence City. His mom, dad and co-fathers, sisters and brother all stood back, giving him a moment alone with his girl. He stood with Danielline and did his best to hold his tears inside. He couldn’t hold in his sniffles.

“I’ll contact you when I get there,” Benjy said. “Let you know I made it okay.”

“That’s sweet.” Her chin dropped and she stared at his feet. When she lifted her head, she gave him a strained smile. “But . . . it’s better if you don’t. Then we can always remember last night as a wonderful goodbye.”

His breath hitched. Goodbye? “I’m coming back. Eventually.”

“You know how girls go away to college, and tell their boys that they’ll stay true, even long distance?”

“Exactly. People do it all the time.”

“Can you name one where they ended up staying together?”

He tried to think of some. Of one. Of any.

She was sniffling too. “I bet Providence City will be vast, and can you imagine the fancy restaurants? There will be hundreds of girls our age. No, thousands. Young men too. You’ll make so many friends.”

His chest grew tight. “But I don’t understand. This wasn’t the plan. We’re in love.”

“I envy you. Life will be so huge there. And the girls will like you. You shouldn’t be tied down to someone a thousand kilometers away.”

He shook his head firmly. “I don’t care about that. You’re my girl.”

“But I don’t want to be tied to someone a thousand kilometers away either.”

Oh. It hit Benjy hard that she was breaking up with him, in the burrower station, a few feet away from his family. He was in too much shock to make sense of it. He managed to slump, his head falling to his chest.

She rested her hand against his shoulder and brushed off his sleeve. “That’s not the proper way for a Guardia to stand.” She gave him a smile, while she sucked in a bit sniffle.

He huffed at her but stood straighter.

“There he is, the Honorable Guardia Brio.”

He rubbed the water out of his eyes. “I can’t believe you’re doing this here, now. My family is right over there.”

Danielline glanced at his family, then turned back to him, wiping a tear. She gave him a tight hug, kissed his cheek and whispered in his ear. "That was the plan."

Before he realized what was happening, she had turned to his family. “I think your boy needs some farewell hugs.”

The family surrounded him. He hid the overwhelming tide of his heartbreak, tucking it within his chest as a round of goodbye hugs ensued, followed by his dad drawing him a few steps down the walkstreet.

“You’ve got a long ride. Try to get some sleep. I know you didn’t sleep much last night.”

His dad had caught him sneaking in very late, or rather very early in the morning but hadn’t said anything about it, until now.

“I will. Promise.” How could he sleep when he was crushed by the love of his life?

His dad gave him a long stare. Benjy couldn’t help but squirm. Oh, boy. It was probably written all over his face what he’d done last night. It sickened him to think he might have let his dad down.

“You okay, son?”

“Uh huh, fine. It’s not what you think, me getting in so late.” He cringed. Now he lied on top of everything. Might as well go all in. “She was helping me, because I was nervous.”

“Don’t be too hard on yourself. They’re lucky to have you.”

“Love you, Dad.”

“Me too.” His dad gave him a good hug, then stood with his mom and the rest. That’s when Benjy realized Danielline wasn’t there anymore. She’d gone.

His heart felt hollow, but he put on a brave smile for his family and picked up his travel pack and waved. His clothes and things had already been shipped and would meet him there. One last scan for his girlfriend. Ex-girlfriend. His chest hurt thinking it. But she was just gone.

Finally, with his family waving, he straightened up as best he could and took the steps down to the burrower and on to his new life. Alone.